It’s been an interesting, wonderful & at times hard 4 months but with each day, I continue to grow!
Good stuff this morning from meditation. February 1st:
“When I change my behavior, the behavior of those around me may also change, but there is no guarantee that it will change to my liking. Today I am learning to make choices because they are good for me, not because of the effect they might have on others.” -Courage to Change
This is not easy for me to comprehend but I am always willing to keep trying. 🙂
Also, from One Day At A Time In Al-Anon:
“I pray for the wisdom to realize that progress begins only when I am ready to detach myself from the idea that I alone can control and solve another’s problem.”
The situation I have been going through lately has been very tough. I have emotions of sadness, anger, hurt & loss. I am staying active in AA & also starting the process of working the steps in Al-Anon. I am willing to do whatever it takes.
It is hard for me to let go. I usually have to give the situation back to God because I take it back. I still think I can control & change the situation. When I pause & really think about what I have learned & heard in the rooms I see that I cannot. Turning MY will over to God is hard. I try & remind myself that everything will happen in HIS time, not mine. I will say to myself, “Things aren’t changing fast enough, I don’t have the answers I need/want as quickly as I feel I should. Why?” Well, in reality, it’s not up to me & it very well may not even work out how I think it should. That’s such a hard reality to accept. It’s a struggle with me daily.
I just try so hard to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME. I try to keep myself busy, reach out to other women, & stay in the “middle” of the program(s). I am so blessed to have such amazing women in my life. They are a huge support system. I try to be that to them as well. Getting out of “self” is not easy either. It requires action on my part.
I am grateful to have such amazing sponsors today. I don’t question them when they give suggestions. I have said, “Yes! I AM willing to do whatever it takes!” That’s a start for me & I mean it with everything I have.
So for today, just for today, I will stay in constant contact with God. I will let go of the situation & give it to Him. I will pray for HIS will & not mine. When I find myself taking it back, I will pause & ask Him for help. I will pray for strength, knowledge, courage & acceptance. I will have faith. Faith that God has this & will take care of it- in HIS time! I will not try to control the situation but will focus on what I am doing. What I need to do to change ME, my thoughts & my actions.
Serenity prayer is powerful when I say it slowly & fully understand what the prayer is saying.
God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change, the COURAGE to change the things I CAN, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE.
Sobriety is a wonderful thing to have today 🙂 So extremely grateful to be sober today!!!
I know it’s been awhile since I have posted. I’ve been busy focusing on my sobriety, my kids, my family- life on life’s terms.
Today I have 90 days of sobriety!!! Let me first start off by saying, I am quite excited about this milestone in my journey of recovery! In the past, I have never really been excited about these milestones, not as excited as I’ve been this time. This is huge for me! Quite a bit has happened in these past 90 days. I’ve learned to Let Go & Let God take over. That in itself is HUGE! I’ve never been able to let go. I’ve always wanted to control, try to, everything & everyone around me. As I sit in the rooms of AA, work the steps, listen to those with long term sobriety, pray & mediate I’ve been able to see the program work. I no longer feel guilty for leaving my kids to go to a meeting. It’s better to leave them to go to a meeting than it is for me to be drinking.
Recently I have been reflecting on my past experiences with AA & sobriety. The very first time I went to an AA meeting I was 19 years old. I remember sitting in those meetings feeling so angry. Angry at everyone & everything. A woman gave me my first big book. I didn’t understand the program, I thought the book was just garbage & I believed I was NOT an alcoholic. How in the world could I be an alcoholic when I was only 19 years old?!? Needless to say, I stopped going to the meetings, threw the big book away & went about my life.
I have always heard to go to 90 meetings in 90 days when you are just starting your recovery. My thoughts HAD been, “Are you kidding me, I don’t have time for that!”.
Interesting how my thinking is today. In the beginning, I was only going to attend 2 meetings a week. When I relapsed this last time & I was told “You can’t stay sober”, that pissed me off! You just watch me! Something changed within myself. I found myself going to a meeting every day. It definitely was not planned that way, but having been in & out of this program so many times information seems to stay with you. I asked God to take control. I would do what I knew was the next right thing, but I knew I had to let go of the people, places & things that I did not have control over. Talk about an awesome feeling… instantly, the weight that had been on my shoulders, was lifted. I was able to breathe. I knew what it was that I needed to do.
I dug my heels into the program & took the actions that has been suggested. I began to take the time in the morning to pray & meditate. In the past, when I would hear others talk about prayer & meditation I thought they were crazy. I was not about to do that. I didn’t have time & thought it was awkward. I started going to meetings daily. I’d get excited when someone would ask me to do any type of service work. I began to get honest when working my steps. That desire to WANT to stay sober came over me. The craving for a drink had been lifted. Before I came back into the rooms of AA, those things weren’t there. I was not able to live life on life’s terms without alcohol. Honestly I did not WANT to. In the very back of my mind, there was the idea that I wasn’t an alcoholic. When I think of that now, I can see that alcohol had its grips on me. As the book says, it’s cunning, baffling & powerful!
I now believe with out a shadow of doubt that I am most certainly an alcoholic. I also believe that God is in control and gives me the strength & courage I need to get through each day. I try my best to listen for Him.
There have been things happen in these past 90 days that without prayer, meetings & others in the program, I would have drank. I released those things over to God. It hasn’t been easy to let go but I have faith all will work out the way God has planned in His time, not mine. I am grateful for the fact that today, I am sober & at peace.
As each day passes, I can see things getting better. That brings happiness, peace & hope to me. I’ve been able to go to meetings more than just my home group & not feel guilty. That’s progress. On October 22nd, I broke down & told my Higher Power, God, to take those things I cannot control away. Amazing feeling came over me when I did that. A very heavy weight was lifted from me.
😃I have 25 days of sobriety & for this I am grateful. 😃
These past few weeks have been hard on me physically, mentally & emotionally. Not only am I working on the things that need my focus, but my fibromyalgia has been flared up & it hasn’t been very nice to me. I have been trying to just manage through the extreme pain but have come to a point that I just cannot do it any longer on my own. I’m able to admit that this flare up has brought on depression. I want to cry so many times throughout the day because it hurts so bad & I feel so helpless. I can’t function the way I need/want to & that’s so frustrating. I’ve made the decision to call the Dr on Monday to try & get some relief from both the pain & depression. I don’t care too much to go to Dr’s but it’s gotten to the point that I feel I have no other choice. Being at home alone all day is so hard because I feel that I cannot be the best mom, all I want to do is crawl in bed & make it all go away. However, that is not what I do, I keep on truckin because that’s what I must do.
It seems that with each flare up I have, it only gets worse. That bothers me a great deal. I don’t have time or energy to keep on fighting without medication.
I was talking to Gary the other night and told him I was so glad the month of October was over. Oh that month was hard. I want November to be so much better! It will be. 🙂 This month also marks our 4 yrs together. 🙂
I know this post probably is scattered & doesn’t make sense, but my brain is not functioning full strength, my thought process & memory is shot due to the damn “fibro fog” I am in. Oh well… Brighter days ahead!
Sorry I have been gone. I’ve been going through things & needed to turn my focus away from anything social media related. I’ve been wanting to write about what’s been going on but it’s been too hard. I greatly appreciate those who have kept in contact with me to ask how I am & to let me know I’m in your thoughts and prayers. It’s good to feel that I am not alone.
I have 16 days of sobriety now! One day at a time!!
I am about to embark on my 4th step. It’s not my first one, but I feel it is because I really want to be as open & honest as I can. As I was in a meeting the other night, I saw in my 12 & 12 where I had wrote something dated 5-18-2010. I wrote, “I feel as if I’ve hit a brick wall in recovery. I’ve been on my 4th step for months now.”
I remembered how I was feeling at that moment. I wasn’t truly wanting to be sober. I had kept telling myself I wasn’t an alcoholic. I was not being completely 100% honest with my steps. I was simply going through the motions.
I don’t have that feeling anymore. I’m eager to do my part and work through these steps to better myself. To find the true me. To stay sober. I can now fully admit that yes, I’m quite the alcoholic. Instead of feeling sad or mad about that fact, I am grateful. Grateful because I believe being an alcoholic wanting to stay sober teaches us to look inside ourselves, to better ourselves. To have better relationships with others. To help others. To live a wonderful life. Be different. To grow spiritually.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I cannot focus on that worry. I only need to focus on today. What I am doing right now. There are so many things that are not in my control & as hard as it is, I’ve let go. I am finding strength within myself to know, believe, that God’s with me. He’s got his big arms around me, holding me tight and telling me that not matter what happens, I WILL be okay. I just have to do MY part. That’s all.
I have managed to make it to a meeting a day, thanks to family & Gary staying home with the kids. Never in my sobriety journey have I done that. I understand why some do the “90 meetings in 90 days” deal. Going to a meeting a day has helped me tremendously. Emotionally. Mentally. I have not been having cravings- in fact it’s been awhile since I have had actual cravings for a drink. It’s my mind that I need to keep calm & in check. When I made the decision to get back into AA & work the steps months ago, I knew what I needed to do. I knew in my heart I did not want to drink. I want long term sobriety.
When I had my relapse, I didn’t WANT to drink. I am not trying to “sugar coat” this in any way when I say it, but after talking with my sponsor a couple times about it, this is how I see it. I didn’t want to drink that day. Had no desire, no cravings. What happened when I took that pill, I was not prepared for. That was my first mistake, my first relapse. I know NOW, I cannot take that pill anymore & do not intend to. It caused me to not be myself, blackout. Which led to me drinking. That’s why I say, I honestly do not know why I did it. I just don’t. I have learned yet another lesson through relapse. I want that to be the very last lesson I learn that way.
I’m done beating myself up over that. I can’t continue to if I want to move forward. I may not be beating myself up over what I did, but my consequences are still being dealt with. It’s more emotional than physical. So hard. I see some hope starting to peak out, but it’s small. So small. I have to accept that right now.
I have been struggling with guilt lately. Guilt from being gone every day to go to a meeting. I know I should not allow myself to feel like that but it’s hard. I hear 2 different sides. One is to go, do what you need to do. The other side I am “hearing” is frustration, irritability maybe. Comments made of the fact that someone has been here to watch kids every night so I can go to meetings. That’s why guilt has crept in & caused me to get confused. I know I am doing the right thing, so why is my brain telling me I am not. I care about what others are feeling & thinking. I need them to openly talk with me about their thoughts & feelings. When they don’t, I start questioning my actions. I’m not even sure if that makes sense. I need to just pray about it.
I have been feeling a lot better😃 these days, despite my fibromyalgia flare up & fibro fog! There isn’t AS MUCH tension around here as last week. Thankful for that. I keep reminding myself what I have been told for years… Keep my side of the street clean. Work on ME & the rest will fall in place. I need to hear stuff like that daily. Many times a day. It’s crazy how fast my mind can start spinning out of control.
I was told tonight to spend some time praying & being still. STILL. Very hard for me to be still. Physically or mentally.
I have some really terrific people around me & I am grateful for that!!
It has been 4 days since my last relapse. It’s seems like its been longer. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Doesn’t really matter to me. I am sober today & grateful for that. 😊 I have been able to make a meeting a day & my oh my how it has helped!! I don’t recall me ever going to a meeting a day. Anyway, thankful that Gary has been coming home from work early enough for me to get to a meeting. It’s pretty darn amazing how much better I am feeling & I just love the way I feel after a meeting.
I received an email from a fellow blogger friend that just helped make more sense of a step that is always hard for me. This is what I am finding from blogging. I have the chance to meet others in recovery, read what they have to say, listen to their comments and suggestions on my posts & learn! LEARN! Hearing from them puts things in a different perspective & helps me to better understand several things. Whether it be about my situation, the steps, or dealing with life in general. I love it. It’s hard to find the time to sit down and read all the blogs, but I try to get to a few each day. Little tid bits of information helps. I can say, “Ah ha”, that’s what I need to do, or that’s a great suggestion. I don’t know. I just love this blogging journey I have started. I believe it is another tool for recovery. When others share, it helps me. So I would like to think that when I share, maybe I can help someone else.
I just wanted to share that little bit tonight. Thank you to all who have been keeping me in their prayers. I greatly appreciate it.
So much gratitude today!
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